Killing Cockroaches
by satinelamort
Summary: Lily Potter is dead, what remains of her is sent back into her forth year at Hogwarts destined to relive the same life once more. But an adult viewpoint changes her outlook and future. - A 'second chance' story with Lily as protagonist.
1. Chapter 1

The adrenalin bumping in her blood made everything strangely clear but at the same time, her surroundings were also mashed up together in a perfect mix of confusion and haste.

Was James alright? His terrifying scream still echoed in her ears.

What about Harry? Could she straight up leave, seek sanctuary somewhere - anywhere, with her little boy wrapped up in her arms, leaving her husband? Apparating seemed to be a good idea, but her bravery called to defend the possibility of safing her whole, albeit small, family. James needed her - Harry needed her!

The seconds rushed by although they appeared to be agonizing hours in disguise. How should she handle this? Could she even accomplish anything? _'__Brave, headstrong and stubborn, I see.__'_, the distant voice of the Sorting Hat rang in her mind, _'__There is just one place for you._

_Gryffindor!__'_

Lily could feel the menacing presence before she could see him. Did that mean James failed her, was Dumbledore's warning for naught, had Peter stumbled in keeping their secret? Far away she heard a voice that ordered her to step aside but no matter how one approaches such a demand she would stand her ground and fight. That was the moment she realised that the most important question hasn't been asked yet. Where did she leave her godforsaken wand?

...

Green light was all she could remember next and a sudden rush of panic flew over her whole body. "Harry!", a terrifying scream, her own she realised, engulfed her while she hectically scanned her surroundings, "Harry!" Again and again she called after her baby boy with no answer in sight. All around there was darkness.

When some strangely familiar mumbling voices were heard in the background, Lily felt soft shades of warm orange light touch her sweat stained skin and she was suddenly looking straight into the questioning eyes of Mary MacDonald.

"Lily?", her voice was soft, warm and a little confused, "Are- are you alright?"

When no answer was given, another worried voice joined that of her friend: "Should we maybe take her to the hospital wing?"

"Is she alright? She doesn't look so good."

"I don't know. Is she ill?"

"Maybe a nightmare? Should I wake up a prefect?"

While others were hurriedly conversing in the background, Lily's gaze was still frozen on Mary's slightly sleepy looking eyes. The features seemed younger and despite the obviously tired undertone strangely soothing. There was something familiar about them, about the whole scenery in fact. But Lily's panic filled mind was still caught in the middle of a devastating storm of fear and confusion. At least there were no more screams and more importantly there was also no Dark Lord lurking behind her. In fact no malice could be sensed at all, only the odd smell of parchment, girl's perfume and clean feather beds. A warm, homely feeling of safety and –

She shifted her head to examine the red curtains near her – Hogwarts?

"M-mary?", puzzled and worn-out she looked back at the petite girl dressed in frilly nightclothes and came to only one conclusion, "Am I dead?"

A slight pause in the girl's breathing was the only indication her question seemed to have registered, before Mary finally answered: "No, silly. It was only a nightmare. It's ok." With a nod of her head she told the others to go back to sleep, although they stopped putting on their robes and shoes, the situation was not yet resolved. "Should I wake up somebody, Mary?", Emma Boyce helplessly stood in the middle of the dorm, exchanging worried glances between the the other two girls, "Maybe McGonagall?"

"No, it's ok. I handle this. Lily just needs some rest. And so do you, you can go back to sleep. No worries." It was amazing how easily Mary could de-escalate a situation like this. Her gentle voice was oddly soothing and commanding at the same time that it put everybody at ease. Even Lily seemed to be amazed how much this – whatever she encountered after facing You-know-who reminded her of the real Mary.

The commotion slowly died down but the warm orange lights still remained.

"Lily", the voice of her friend reached her ears, "Whatever it was, it was only a dream. You gave us such a fright when you started screaming, but its ok. If you want you can talk about it."

The redhead only shook her head, still amazed that whatever this was, it seemed real and false all at once. "I", she started, "I need to find Harry. He- he's only a boy. What if he is dead?"

Mary had sat down on the edge of what appeared to be Lily's bed and started to caress her back with calm and strong strokes of her hand, "Lily, it's ok. I'm here. You can tell me. No one is dead. You are ok."

"B-but what about Harry?", her concern was beginning to resurface after the last silent minutes and the spiral of fear engulfed her once more, "I need to… I … he, he needs me. He's in danger. I need to fight. I need.. I .. Where is my wand. I need my wand- otherwise I can't help. I'm so stupid, I left it one the table… I need to … How can I be so stupid. I… I… my wand.."

During her hectic mumbling, Mary felt that the situation slipped out of her control and she did the only thing she could think of. With purposeful determination she snatched the wooden stick that lay on top of Lily's school uniform and pushed it into the palm of her friend, "Lily, It's ok. Your wand is right here. Everything's fine, see?"

The moment her fingers gripped the magic item, Lily's eyes lost focus, her weird rambling stopped, and the world became black once more.

...

AN: I always wondered why Lily didn't have her wand at hand, to me it just seemed kind of stupid really but that's what I like about her. She isn't perfect and I want to portray her that way. Without any character bashing, so in this story there will be no good and/or bad guy. Everybody is grey, flawed but has their share of good qualities as well. I know this theme has been done to death but sometimes I'm a little sad there aren't more 'second chance' type of stories. I just love them. If you noticed agonizing mistakes in spelling, grammar, etc. please tell me (I'm no native speaker but trying to do my best and have fun at the same time). Till next time.


	2. Chapter 2

Warm rays of sunshine was the first thing she noticed when the surrounding darkness finally slipped away. Not sure where or even what she was, her eyes quietly drank in everything they got hold of. Apparantly she was lying in a bed, though not the same one she was in mere moments before.

Was she dead?

Lily wondered how strangley soothing the whole atmosphere was. She always considered death to be more painful. More final. More something.

Slowly she raised her hand and noticed her wand lying right next to her. 'Strange', her eyes narrowed while she examined the familiar object, 'is there magic when one is dead?' Without realising her thoughts she tested the first spell that came into her mind. The quiet flow of magic followed her body into the tip of the wand and the room – Hogwarts infirmary she noted – filled with music. A soft lullaby.

'Harry.'

Lily wanted to scream, to fight, to inquire after James and to hold Harry in her arms. Had her boy known she loved him? Did she even tell him? Unconsciously she knew that she had done so, countless times, but in that exact moment she couldn't remember. If she was truly dead, what kind of mother was she? Harry was not to blame; he was after all an innocent child. He needed her but more importantly she needed him as well.

The soothing melody reached its conclusion and the room fell silent once more.

Lily hadn't moved. She certainly wanted to but the events leading up to her being in this bed were draining her ability to think straight. There was laughter, an unfamiliar noise outside, James terrifying scream, a demand to step aside, a green light and finally Mary's face. Somehow she had missed something. Had Dumbledore found and brought her back to Hogwarts? Was all of this some bizarre dream with no way of waking up?

Confused she gripped her wand and lowered the tip to the white underside of her arm. 'Incendio.' The small flame kissed her skin and she felt the rising pain dance over her. Quickly she cancelled the spell and curled up into a ball, wishing to understand this situation, battling the confusion and chasing the fear away. A soft wimpering cry then called the attention of somebody else in the room.

"Oh dear.", Pomfrey pushed past the curtains and blankets in order to examine the damage, "Miss Evans, I didn't realise you are awake." The parton quickly grapped her patient's wand and placed it onto the nearby table. With a scornful eye she studied the angry red flesh and deemed it to be no immediate damage. "How are you feeling?"

Lily raised her head in confusion. Evans? What sort of sick joke was that. Everyone had surely known that she had been married for about more than two years now. Luckily the anger didn't translate onto her facial features, instead the everlasting confusion was all Pomfrey could notice.

"What… what happened?"

The nurse forcefully closed her lips and answered in a professional, yet still gentle manner: "Your roommate, Miss MacDonald, brought you in. You were physically quite exhausted and your magic was in deep turmoil. Other than that you are fine and if you stay one more night, I can monitor your condition. Afterwards, you are free to leave and rejoin your classmates. Though maybe you should cut back from too demanding studies. I'm sure the professors will understand."

She nodded once as if to asure herself she had told her patient all there was to know and took a step back. "If you would rest for a minute, I'll be right back with some Strengthening Solution."

…

Magic was sometimes still as fascinating and mind-bogling as it had been the first time she'd experienced it. Maybe the Strenghtening Solution had been laced with some Wit-Sharpening Potion but even if that had not been the case, Lily certainly felt more open-minded, calmer and, indeed, stronger.

During the last two hours, her whole world had turned up-side down. The calender was displaying a diffenrent date, the books and clothes she carried were all exactly like they had been when she'd still been enrolled as a student. Heck, her features looked younger and not yet as well formed as they had been mere moments before. Or, she disdainly thought, as they would be years in the future. Was that possible? Had she indeed somehow been thrown back in time?

After analysing the weird flow of events, it sure proved to be a solution. Reasonable and oddly stupid at the same time. It sure explained the way she had been addressed. _Evans._ Mary's young face and her, in fact, authentic behaviour were also no longer a mystery.

'My own body even.', Lily caressed the soft skin above her belly, 'it certainly shows no signs of pregnancy.' Her skin was smooth, her breasts small and firm and her face was graced with two obnoxious pimples no one but her would notice, that bothered her nonetheless. All in all, it really appered to be, her glance fell once more opun the calender in her bag, March 23rd 1975. She was in the middle of her forth year at Hogwarts, alive, with memories from the future and utterly clueless what she should do about it.

…

The day quickly passed by and the noises outside the hopital wing grew immensly. 'Classes must have finished for today', even if one simply accepts such a bizarre situation, Lily didn't know how she should face her friends. Would they notice, what if she was dreaming, crazy or somehow still dead? Was this some sort of perverted test? Would Mary, who was always very straightforward but also caught up in details, see straight through her? What about James?

When her thoughts circled around her former, or future, husband, she felt her heart tighten. He wouldn't remember her, or Harry. But, her inner Gryffindor loudly proclaimed, she could quarantee their survival. Maybe this was a chance to relive and redo her failure. 'Yes.', she could safe her family and she definitely wouldn't fail a second time, 'Be brave!'

Unfortunately her reinforcing and selfproclaiming thoughts swiftly shattered into a thousand pieces of doubt and disbelief when she was confronted with a face she hadn't seen in years. A very familiar one.

"Um? How are you feeling, Lily?", clutching several books and tons of parchment a nervous and disorderd figure stepped close to her bed, "I brought you my notes from Potions and Runes. Lucky for you, Slughorn didn't asign the essay about frog liver and postponed it due to his, and I quote, most exceptionally beautiful brewer unfairly rotting in a hospital bed."

Amazingly he managed to balance his books while sitting down next to said bed and mimicing their professor.

Lily on the other hand, could only stare at how real and familiar this person looked. At the same time she scolded herself for not remembering that she had once been close to this nervous boy in hand-me down robes that looked pathetic and earnest all at once. Dark, slimy and most certainly a force for evil, a Deatheater, in her time but in her forth year she had still been friends with Severus Snape. And until now she had completely forgotton.

"Lily", seeing his friend staring wide-eyed at him, he lost control of his unearthly balancing fight and dropped the bundle onto his lap, "are-are you alright?"

Her greeen eyes met his, a strange shade of deep blackish grey or maybe brown, and she felt stupid and lonely once more. There was confusion and worry in this dark features and it reminded her again how real this all was.

…

_A/N: Slow update is slow but again I try my best. I like Lily but I really want to show her not perfect as she always struck me that way. And I hope I could portray her that way. Until next time. :)  
_


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